The Hard Way (2006)

By Lee Child
If you were in a tight spot and you could call anyone in the world, living or dead, real or unreal, anyone at all to help you out, who would you call? Miss Marple? Ha! MacGyver? Ha! Ha! Batman? Don’t make me laugh. Let me tell you who I’D call – Jack Reacher, that’s who. You wanna know why? Well for starters, he’s a six foot something ex-military policeman who knows his guns, ammo and the most effective places to punch people, AND quite attractive and incredibly buff, but mainly because he’s a GODDAMN GENIUS. Sherlock Holmes has got nothing on Reacher’s powers of deduction, let me tell you. Jack Reacher is the ultimate blend of brains and brawn.

OK, I confess, I’ve read all the Jack Reacher novels, and this is the latest. So I’m a fan. Reacher left the army many years ago and kind of drifts around the US, solving all the problems which invariably and incredibly coincidentally drop in his lap. (He’s not unlike Miss Marple in that way). Also, he sleeps with a different woman in every book – strange how women seem to find Reacher completely irresistible. Were these books written by a man? Let me check…

In this adventure he becomes involved with a group of ex-US-military mercenaries – the wife of the boss mercenary has been kidnapped, and Reacher just happened to witness a critical piece of evidence in the whole deal. It was a bit slow to get going, but by golly pretty soon I was hooked. Every so often when reading one of Reacher’s adventures it crosses my mind that this is all a bit far-fetched (the start of this novel, for example), but usually I’m enjoying the book too much to care. Maybe don’t read several in a row though; the plot devices and even Reacher's own infallible geniusness start to wear a bit thin.

Also I had a moment of unease near the end of the book where Lee Child writes that “…the remorse gene was missing from his DNA. Entirely. It just wasn’t there.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this may make Jack Reacher a registered and card-carrying sociopath – let’s just be glad he’s on our side.

Rating: 7 out of 10

The Queen of the Damned (2006)

By Anne Rice
I’m always a bit suspicious of books that contain the word “frisson”. It turned up relatively early in this book, but at least I didn’t notice a repeat offence. This book all seemed a bit silly at first, but I got sucked in (Ha!) by all those eternally youthful beautifully beautiful dark and mysterious and sexy vampires. Really, it did start to bother me after a while that they were all so attractive. Rice even muses, through the voice of her hero vampire Lestat, are there any ugly vampires? Well I think I spotted one, but he didn’t last very long.

This book is the third in Rice’s Vampire Chronicles, following Interview with the Vampire (the one made into a film with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt; not bad, from memory, surprisingly…) and The Vampire Lestat. To sum up, Lestat has gone and woken up the Mother of All Vampires (I’m not kidding), the titular (that’s for you, Ian) Queen of the Damned, Akasha, who has been dormant for thousands of years, but now she’s awake again and this time she’s a lot crosser.

For some reason, the Queen seems to be killing off all the vampires, except for our favourites of course. What is she up to?? We find out along the way how vampires came to exist and what the Queen’s badass dealio is anyway. I got a bit addicted to the whole story, if a little impatient with all the descriptions of how gorgeous and tortured everbody was.

Rice even manages to weave in some serious topics, a la Cocoon. For example, if someone offered you a smoothie that would make you immortal, would you drink? (Ha!) If someone dangled a tempting tidbit in front of you that would make your loved ones immortal, would you bite? (Ha! Ha!) Also, more to the point, would you ask them first?? Would a world run by women really be any less violent than one that’s still pretty much ruled by men? (You’ll have to read the book to see how that one fits in). She also offers some interesting alternative theories as to how embalming and mummification came to be the dominant way of honouring the dead – as opposed to eating their corpses, of course. (I must confess I began to be persuaded of the merits of this option – eww!! Boy, I was really sucked in).

This book was written in 1988 and I’m wondering if that was the same era as Virginia Andrews and Flowers in the Attic and so forth – it has that same kind of outrageous gothic scandalous mixed up relationships thing going. Hmmm…must re-read some good old Virginia Andrews sometime…

Rating: 6 out of 10

Jason King (2005)

By Robert Miall
Unfortunately this novel, based on the early 1970s television series of the same name, does not quite make it into the “so bad it’s good” category – no, this novel is just bad. Jason King is a novelist, man-about-town and 007 James Bond-type character, complete with the necessary misogyny but with much more facial hair. King has to solve two mysteries in this book, both highly unlikely scenarios but never mind – the first to do with a clever bunch of crooks that can outwit Scotland Yard’s supercomputer (amazing what those 70s supercomputers could do!); the second a murder mystery to which King appears to have some kind of psychic connection. (Don’t worry, it turns out to be subliminal messages).

It really is very bad. SO bad. But it does have some classic lines…if only there were a few more – it would have scored higher. Try some of these on for size:

If either girl had slipped on the hard-packed snow she could effortlessly have saved herself by grabbing the nearest tuft of King’s sideburns.

The blonde was chattering, shaking her head admiringly to and fro. The redhead simply clung to King, shaking the contents of her sweater admirably to and fro.

The world, thought Jason, was filling up with women who not only did men’s jobs for men’s rates of pay, but insisted on equality in everything else…you were supposed to pass them at the desk or workbench without glancing at their legs...even an appreciative eyebrow should be kept quiescent.

Magic. And what a spunkrat he is!!! (See cover illustration).

Rating: 4 out of 10
It’s not very long or hard to read, so you may as well…just read the first page at least, go on…

Hot Six (2005)

By Janet Evanovich
I went off Janet Evanovich and her sassy bounty-hunter heroine Stephanie Plum for a while, because I thought I detected the emergence of the dreaded LOVE TRIANGLE erupting between Stephanie and the two eligible bachelors around town, Joe Morelli (cop) and Ranger (fellow bounty hunter and general entrepreneur), at the end of “High Five”. And I really hate love triangles, I mean I REALLY hate them. They go on forever, they can’t possible have a happy ending, there’s way too much useless inner turmoil around and they’re just dullsville in general, man. Case in point: Dawson’s Creek, where there seemed to be several love triangles going on all at the one time. Oh, the agony! I thought I would kill someone. Fortunately, I remembered in time that watching Dawson’s Creek was an optional activity.

Anyway, the book. The eleventh adventure of Ms Stephanie Plum has just come out, so I am really behind the times with number six here, but I am pleased to report that, despite a little bit of love triangle action, this book is thoroughly enjoyable. (In brief, it’s about Stephanie Plum trying to help get Ranger off the hook for the suspected murder of a member of one of the local crime families). I think Evanovich’s skill is that her books really are fun – they’re not heavy, man. So I will get back on the Stephanie Plum train, which is a bit exciting really because I know I’ve got another five books to enjoy before I have to wait another year for the next one. I hope they will be just as reliably entertaining as all her previous books.

Rating: 7.5 out of 10
Good fun. Warning: May make you want to eat doughnuts.