Procrastination

As another way of not working on my thesis, which is due in a mind-boggling short space of time, I thought I'd provide some brief reviews of non-thesis related books I've read this year. I mean, seeing as I won't be doing the Readathon properly this year and all. They'll be brief...

Gentlemen of the Road - Michael Chabon
Not my favourite of his, but it had some good bits. It's Chabon, how can it not have good bits? I still think "The Final Solution" is my favourite Chabon to date. Or maybe "The Yiddish Policeman's Union".

Gone Tomorrow - Lee Child
Jack Reacher is back, and he's still a total legend. Also, learned how to spot a suicide bomber. Also learned that if I actually DID spot a suicide bomber, I'm probably doomed. Liked this one much better than the one before ("Nothing to Lose"), which I think I mentioned ended a bit strangely.

Twilight and New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
Yes yes OK I confess, I read two of those vampire teen romance novels. And by golly they are really not that dissimilar to Mills and Boon. There was a lot of jaw clenching going on and plenty of erratic heartbeats and generalised gazing. Oh, and did I mention unresolved sexual tension? Great stuff. As a consequence of reading the books I also watched the filum, and developed a slight crush on the poor lad who plays Edward Cullen, who's young enough to be my - um - much younger brother. I've also started to develop a list of "Questions people never seem to get around to asking vampires", like:

• So, like, what's the greatest gig you've ever seen in all your 600 years?
• Did you ever meet Disraeli? What was he like?
• Is there any substance to the rumour that aliens helped build Aztec temples?
• So what happened to the Amber Room, already?
  
• Do you guys go totally nuts when girls get their periods? (Sorry eww gross)

I suppose it's because everyone's too busy trying not to get bitten, or mooning around wishing their immortal beloved WOULD bite them so they could be together for ever and ever. But if I found a vegetarian vampire he/she and I would be having a long chat, let me tell you.

By the way, how much does Edward Cullen's room rock in that film?? NB This reaction clearly puts me in the "Enjoys 'Grand Designs' far too much for own good" age bracket.

Drood - Dan Simmons
I didn't get into this one as much as "The Terror", but still an enjoyable read-a-bit-before-bed novel. I will never be able to think of Wilkie Collins in the same light again though, the misogynist bastard!! Old Chas Dickens didn't pull up so well in that regard either!!

Is that really it? Crap. I want to read novels solid for a month. Gotta finish this thesis first though...

She (2006)

By H Rider Haggard
I have a vague memory of seeing the film of this book, probably from when I was about 12, something about a woman stepping into a pillar of blue light and shrivelling up into a very old woman. How could I not want to read the book?? So, finally I got around to it.

Written by the same author who wrote King Solomon’s Mines and other tales of derring-do, She sees our heroes, Holly (a bloke, not very attractive, by his own admission, about 40-odd, the narrator of our story) and his adopted son Leo (very attractive, twenty-five, not quite as brainy and wise as Holly) travelling to deepest darkest Africa in search of a legendary race of people (the Amahagger) and their legendary Queen, Ayesha, who is said to have lived for thousands of years on the wild plains of Kôr. (This is the titular “She”, always italicised and short for “She-who-must-be-obeyed”; yes, this is where Rumpole got it from).

Our heroes know about all of this because of the writings on a ancient potsherd and various other bits and pieces left to Leo by his birth father, all contained in a locked chest with strict instructions not to open it before Leo’s 25th birthday. (And in true Victorian fashion, they even stop to have a cup of tea before opening it – obviously those Victorians would have passed the delayed gratification marshmallow test with flying colours, but I fear those Victorian adventurers could have waited so long for the second marshmallow that the original marshmallow would have rotted away, if such a thing is possible. I mean, imagine if the delayed gratification tester went out of the room and got hit by a bus? They might have waited for ever! Certainly the Victorian adventurer would never survive in a modern movie version of such events).

Anyway, Leo is apparently descended from Kallikrates, an ancient Greek priest loved by She but (mysteriously) also murdered by her. I think we can all see where this is going, can’t we? So Holly and Leo struggle through wild seas, fever-filled swamps and fight off dastardly natives (who speak Arabic, interestingly enough, which when translated into English for our benefit, contains lots of “thees” and “thous” and "didst thy knowests" and so on, which I must say was a little tiresome) who would kill them by putting a large red-hot cooking pot on their head, before eating them for tea, in order to find She and (supposedly) avenge Kallikrates death. Amazingly, it turns out that Leo is the exact image of Kallikrates!! Who would have thunk it??

This book is interesting in that Ayesha is not presented as evil – both men fall in love with her, although Holly concedes it might be because she is so amazingly beautiful and nothing to do with her brain, which is in pretty good shape, it must be said. (Ayesha holds her own in lots of philosophical discussions about right and wrong, good and evil, life vs. death and so on). In fact, Ayesha reminded me a lot of Akasha, Anne Rice’s Queen of the Dead – a two-thousand-year-old babe with a brain, neither truly good or bad, but wrapped up in her own desires. I wonder if Rice may have been influenced by Haggard? Anyway, call me Alisha from now on, obviously this style of name has got something going for it.

Rating: 6 out of 10

The Queen of the Damned (2006)

By Anne Rice
I’m always a bit suspicious of books that contain the word “frisson”. It turned up relatively early in this book, but at least I didn’t notice a repeat offence. This book all seemed a bit silly at first, but I got sucked in (Ha!) by all those eternally youthful beautifully beautiful dark and mysterious and sexy vampires. Really, it did start to bother me after a while that they were all so attractive. Rice even muses, through the voice of her hero vampire Lestat, are there any ugly vampires? Well I think I spotted one, but he didn’t last very long.

This book is the third in Rice’s Vampire Chronicles, following Interview with the Vampire (the one made into a film with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt; not bad, from memory, surprisingly…) and The Vampire Lestat. To sum up, Lestat has gone and woken up the Mother of All Vampires (I’m not kidding), the titular (that’s for you, Ian) Queen of the Damned, Akasha, who has been dormant for thousands of years, but now she’s awake again and this time she’s a lot crosser.

For some reason, the Queen seems to be killing off all the vampires, except for our favourites of course. What is she up to?? We find out along the way how vampires came to exist and what the Queen’s badass dealio is anyway. I got a bit addicted to the whole story, if a little impatient with all the descriptions of how gorgeous and tortured everbody was.

Rice even manages to weave in some serious topics, a la Cocoon. For example, if someone offered you a smoothie that would make you immortal, would you drink? (Ha!) If someone dangled a tempting tidbit in front of you that would make your loved ones immortal, would you bite? (Ha! Ha!) Also, more to the point, would you ask them first?? Would a world run by women really be any less violent than one that’s still pretty much ruled by men? (You’ll have to read the book to see how that one fits in). She also offers some interesting alternative theories as to how embalming and mummification came to be the dominant way of honouring the dead – as opposed to eating their corpses, of course. (I must confess I began to be persuaded of the merits of this option – eww!! Boy, I was really sucked in).

This book was written in 1988 and I’m wondering if that was the same era as Virginia Andrews and Flowers in the Attic and so forth – it has that same kind of outrageous gothic scandalous mixed up relationships thing going. Hmmm…must re-read some good old Virginia Andrews sometime…

Rating: 6 out of 10